march 30th is . . .

today is his birthday (#39)/11th anniversary of our marriage. how do i feel about it i just don't know. disappointed and relieved that i at least know what the future holds for me, to some degree, i suppose. i have felt so unsure of our relationship, and like i was giving changing growing the best i could without getting what i need back.
so, at least i don't have that knot in my stomach this time. happy fucking birthday

Facebook Fast

Although I am no longer a "faithful" Catholic in the Church's sense, I am most certainly "culturally" Catholic, and I do believe in Jesus' message and life mission, as I understand it. Jesus preached love, connectivity, forgiveness, and the right to start anew. The idea of "loving our neighbors" is more complicated in the 21st century, considering we are on this Hot, Flat, and Crowded planet Earth. We are all neighbors. Especially with the internet playing such an important role in our daily routines (yeah, you, blog-reader), I need to think about whether I am connecting with others online, or if I am disconnecting with the people who are right here with me.

Rather than be fully engaged with my 2 1/2 year old son after we drop his brother off at school in the morning, I often set him up with a toy to occupy him, or more lazily with a TV show "on demand," so that I may view Facebook pages and peer into the lives of friends and acquaintances with whom I'd otherwise have practically no contact. I can handily rationalize a mom's need to escape for half an hour a morning (and sometimes longer). This is often a good thing. Lately, however, I began to feel that it was not. I was unplugged from the real people in my life, and just snooping on people I don't really know anymore, or perhaps I never did.

I don't mind if only one or two people take a look at my postings, maybe zero. I have put this "out there" for personal reasons. If it resonates with you, if we read something in each other that we otherwise would not have known, that matters. You are reading the blog, and commenting if you choose to comment, for your own personal reasons.

Lent, the season preceding Easter, is a time to cut away the things that keep you from God. For me, the false sense of "community" I encounter and in which I participate when I use Facebook keeps me from God, keeps me from the God in You. There are a few friendships that I have renewed and revitalized because of the Facebook connection. I am grateful for this, and if you are one of those folks, I do not intend to lose touch with you. I value you.

I want to take this season, which began the day after my 33rd birthday, to contemplate the here and now. I still want to have fun, I still want to see old "Heart Hop" pictures and connect with people. I just can't take it every day! I also can't allow it to take me, the way it has these past couple of months.

Blessings & Hope to you! Please leave a comment, let me know what resonates with you.

Welcome and Gracias, Grace, Come Well.

For all kinds of reasons, I have started and ended blogs over the past six years. Self-judgement, fear of rejection and criticism, etc. This time around I have been as careful as I can about anonymity. I get annoyed at some bloggers with the way they refer to their kids, jobs, spouses, lovers friends and whatnot--but you all know what is up in my life and the risks I can not take. I thank and love you folks, you are a lifeline for me.

What is yoyoabandonado? Well, yesterday in school, I read a story with my dear "Dora"--it is called the bracelet--a haunting and brief account of a second grade girl who is forced to leave her berkely, ca home in 1942 (japanese-american internment camps). We were talking about the locations in the story, and how they illustrate the feelings of the characters. When I asked Dora about how the dusty, empty horse's stalls where the family would be living showed how the family felt, she offered the Spanish word abandonado. This is one of those rare instances where the English language had fewer words to describe a feeling than the Spanish. Usually it is the other way around. And so we couldn't decide on the best English word for abandonado: the Spanish does it better.

Yo-yo's are toys, and yo is the Spanish word for I--sometimes I feel abandonada, too. Often in a yo-yo way. Ups and downs like mad. and of course guilt comes with the logic that I know I have so much to be grateful for. So I need to just greet that desperation, that hopelessness and neglect some days--Hi there. I am not surprised to see you yet again. But I am going to get some stuff done today. You can come along with me if you like, but I must warn you--I am going to have to ignore you.

My mind is like a game with conflicting rules. Midwest rules?