prayer

sometimes people to whom I am supposedly close, they don't know what matters most to me. and then, my sister-in-law's grandmother, who reminds me so much of my departed Grammy, tells me she's been thinking about me, and I ask her to pray for me. which is so crazy considering. . . i left the catholic church "officially" in 2004 when I lost babyeike . . . and she is old school with a capital K in the middle of school . ..

but I pray for god, however we can define it, to be my strength.

if you haven't prayed in awhile, and you've been thinking, worrying about me, give something new a shot. say a prayer! as my denomination has posited, "Is God keeping you from going to church?" -- my lack of a comprehensible god has kept me from praying for years now . . . i follow along with a minister's prayer, and i hook into the essence of god now and then, usually when i am worried that i am about to pass out and die (i've come close, you know). . . here's my prayer, you can pray it too, till you hear the words God has been telling you.

Let God be my Strength, I'll take it; I'll use it,
Let God be my Air my Food my Water my Thoughts my Ears my Mind my Motor my Ink
my Mind my Skin my Shelter.
Let God be my Body my Spirit my Companion my ledge to wedge along my Love
my Connection my Care my Joy

God, let God be my Patience, my Compassion my Blanket
my Filter my Paper my Rest my Amusement
Let God be Relief, a comforting touch, a soft kiss, a fifty dollar bill,
a well-earned wrinkle, a kinky gray hair

Let God be my Rock, my Friend, my Destination/my Journey
let God set me forth on my journey back home to god life earth salt light sincerity.

God be my Strength. God be my Weight. God be my Reps and my Rest between Sets.

God be blasphemer, pornographer, whore.
God, teach me beyond this Enough what awaits is, More.
More to feel More to love More to look on and hear; more to take without guilt, more to give without fear.

God accept me.
God keep me, or if ya think, let me go-
God send Me out soon to be
a Lamp in the darkness and guide Our circle home.

karate chop from the soul

Were his ideas that good? Was it his handsome, yet casual appearance? Dude had me at "Refugee Camp." Tried as I could, I was unable to poke a hole in his mental karate. Yes, you read it correctly mental karate. I need this in my life, even more so than I need/ought to implement Mawi's ideas with my students. I was taught in Graduate School (for Education) to be weary, leery and righteously freaked out by motivational speakers and character education. I am. So is Mawi. And yet, it is his life work. hmmm. Mental Karate. To earn my "white belt" I must . . . take initiative.

Initiative is lonely thing for a newly-single co-dependent like me. It hurts. It's like starting a research paper on a topic you dislike. and are afraid of. I just spend so much time in this cycle of self-hating that the fact that I put Tuesday's dishes away on Wednesday evening felt like an accomplishment. Then it didn't, because it's just doing some basic housekeeping that my peers do without fanfare or much thought. I almost quit twice. Not because I had been distracted (which I often am), but because I just don't like doing stuff alone. If I had a friend on the phone with me at the time, I would have finished the dishes and folded laundry. What goal do I set for myself, for my white belt--something attainable, yet not completely within reach without my taking the inital steps necessary. And how will I do this? Will you hold me accountable? Will you smash up this mental karate thing instead and stop my progress or send me in another direction? Will it be right for me? Mental Karate. sounds and feels wrong. But I still feel I need this guidance. I am eager to read Mawi's memoir--Of Beetles and Angels. He signed it for me and it turns out he ran track against a friend of mine in high school, the shaggy blond-haired one. He loves the lake by our old track.