Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

how is this possible?

--that it isn't until I need to get a concrete definition for felching, that I learn I share a birthday with Steve Jobs?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Born to be MILD

Oh, my. my, do NOT try and live vicariously through me, people in committed relationships. Are you freaking kidding me? Like, who in their right minds thinks that I am sexy? Totally desperate perverts, that's who. So, sorry to alienate you like that. I don't mean to insult you by calling you a totally desperate pervert if you find me attractive. But, SHOOT. Have ya MET me? I am so frakking dorky, awkward, unaware-yet-under-confident, overly trusting, bitchy--I am either a total bore and low-esteem girl, or act like I am so f'n awesome and hurt feelings.

M's couch is uncomfortable to sleep on, even for a couch. And she and her bf are honorable, silly, loving people.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

karate chop from the soul

Were his ideas that good? Was it his handsome, yet casual appearance? Dude had me at "Refugee Camp." Tried as I could, I was unable to poke a hole in his mental karate. Yes, you read it correctly mental karate. I need this in my life, even more so than I need/ought to implement Mawi's ideas with my students. I was taught in Graduate School (for Education) to be weary, leery and righteously freaked out by motivational speakers and character education. I am. So is Mawi. And yet, it is his life work. hmmm. Mental Karate. To earn my "white belt" I must . . . take initiative.

Initiative is lonely thing for a newly-single co-dependent like me. It hurts. It's like starting a research paper on a topic you dislike. and are afraid of. I just spend so much time in this cycle of self-hating that the fact that I put Tuesday's dishes away on Wednesday evening felt like an accomplishment. Then it didn't, because it's just doing some basic housekeeping that my peers do without fanfare or much thought. I almost quit twice. Not because I had been distracted (which I often am), but because I just don't like doing stuff alone. If I had a friend on the phone with me at the time, I would have finished the dishes and folded laundry. What goal do I set for myself, for my white belt--something attainable, yet not completely within reach without my taking the inital steps necessary. And how will I do this? Will you hold me accountable? Will you smash up this mental karate thing instead and stop my progress or send me in another direction? Will it be right for me? Mental Karate. sounds and feels wrong. But I still feel I need this guidance. I am eager to read Mawi's memoir--Of Beetles and Angels. He signed it for me and it turns out he ran track against a friend of mine in high school, the shaggy blond-haired one. He loves the lake by our old track.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Welcome and Gracias, Grace, Come Well.

For all kinds of reasons, I have started and ended blogs over the past six years. Self-judgement, fear of rejection and criticism, etc. This time around I have been as careful as I can about anonymity. I get annoyed at some bloggers with the way they refer to their kids, jobs, spouses, lovers friends and whatnot--but you all know what is up in my life and the risks I can not take. I thank and love you folks, you are a lifeline for me.

What is yoyoabandonado? Well, yesterday in school, I read a story with my dear "Dora"--it is called the bracelet--a haunting and brief account of a second grade girl who is forced to leave her berkely, ca home in 1942 (japanese-american internment camps). We were talking about the locations in the story, and how they illustrate the feelings of the characters. When I asked Dora about how the dusty, empty horse's stalls where the family would be living showed how the family felt, she offered the Spanish word abandonado. This is one of those rare instances where the English language had fewer words to describe a feeling than the Spanish. Usually it is the other way around. And so we couldn't decide on the best English word for abandonado: the Spanish does it better.

Yo-yo's are toys, and yo is the Spanish word for I--sometimes I feel abandonada, too. Often in a yo-yo way. Ups and downs like mad. and of course guilt comes with the logic that I know I have so much to be grateful for. So I need to just greet that desperation, that hopelessness and neglect some days--Hi there. I am not surprised to see you yet again. But I am going to get some stuff done today. You can come along with me if you like, but I must warn you--I am going to have to ignore you.

My mind is like a game with conflicting rules. Midwest rules?